So it's time for another post. Melissa keeps telling me I need to post again, but what the hell am I to write about? I mean, in case you haven't noticed I really only write here when I've got something that's bothering me. Anyway.... uhm... I worked nights all last week, and I'm doing it again this week. It's really not all that bad. In fact, it's really nice not to have someone always telling you what to do. Really, dayshift wouldn't be so bad if I only had one person telling me what to do, but it's a pain in the ass cause everyone wants you to do something for them. Night shift's also been good because I haven't spent as much money in the past week as I normally do, though that's really more because I haven't had as much free to spend. Of course there's a down side to everything. Working night shift means I don't get to spend as much time with Melissa. At least it's only for the rest of this week. Then I'll be back on the regular day shift. Yeah... sooo... I guess that's it for now. If I think of anything else to add: rants, complaints, worries, or otherwise... I'll return. Later...

So... is it all over, or is this a new beginning? tough call, but it's definitely good news. Friday night Melissa finally said she would take me back. I'm still kind of in shock to be perfectly honest. I mean how many times in your life do you know exactly what you want and then have it given to you? I'm so fuckin' lucky. Everything is right again. She even said she would stop hanging out with Sam and Andy, but I told her she didn't have to. For one thing, I trust her. I know when she says I'm her boyfriend and that she's my girlfriend then that's all there is to it. Secondly, I wouldn't want her to dictate who my friends can and can't be so I won't do that to her.

Right now I'm taking things one day at a time and trying to let it all soak in. I know that eventually we both have to prepare for spending the rest of our lives together. For me, that means I'm going to have to sacrifice some things. I'll have to get a cheaper car, I'll need a better paying job, I'll have to move out of the parents' house, and most importantly take charge of my finances. Don't even get me started on the wedding. It's a lot to think about and it really is overwhelming so like with most things in my life I'll probably procrastinate as long as I can. Melissa is telling her friends we'll be married within the next two years, so I guess I'll tell you all the same.

What more can I say? She's the one. We were meant to be together. Everyone's been telling me and now I know it in my heart to be true. I couldn't be happier... and that's partly because I know she feels the same.

I'm really tired.

tired of holding on.
tired of letting go.
tired of waking up.
tired of going to sleep.
tired of explaining.
tired of justifying.
tired of compromising.
tired of sacrificing.
tired of waiting.
tired of paying.
tired of listening.
tired of confessing.
tired of professing.
tired of staying.
tired of leaving.
tired of sympathizing.
tired of guessing.
tired of standing.
tired of sitting.
tired of living.
tired of dying.
tired of being alone.
tired of being unhappy.
tired of being wrong.
tired of being judged.
tired of being lied to.
tired of being ignorant.
tired of being last.
tired of being lost.
tired of being broke.
tired of being confused.
tired of being rational.
tired of being irrational.
tired of being nice.
tired of being sober.
tired of being sane.
tired of being logical.
tired of being predictable.
tired of being run over.
tired of being blind.
tired of being blamed.
tired of being invisible.
tired of being here.
tired of being there.
tired of being emotional.
tired of being sensitive.
tired of being under-appreciated.
tired of being under-paid.
tired of being over-critical.
tired of being over-due.
tired of being selfish
tired of being strung along.
tired of being carried.
tired of being nothing.
tired of being no one.
tired of being something.
tired of being me.

maybe it's time to rest.

This is one of those times when I feel like I should write something here, but really, I don't know what to write about. The whole thing with Melissa still has me really messed up. I just feel like I'm floating around in limbo and not the fun kind of limbo with the song and the stick you lean under. It's a waiting game, and exercising my patience is not something I like to do. Part of me just wants to tell her you're either with me or against me; either choose me and be with me, marry me, and hopefully live happily ever after, or just quit playing games with me and let me be miserable. The other part of me is just scared she'll choose to let me be miserable. I'm trying really, really hard to give her time to think about the situation and adjust to the fact that I love her more than she can possibly imagine.

The whole thing with Sam bothers me, but not because I think Sam is any real threat. He just can't love her the way I do. This is purely speculation, but I think she thinks the right decision to make would be to take me back, but she can't as long as she has feelings for Sam. And if that's the case I just want her to hurry up and get Sam out of her system. And ya know, if she really does decide to be with him then I wish she would go ahead and make that decision too. I mean, I don't understand how this current situation is good for anyone.

Does Sam know that she stays with me nearly every night and how she says she still loves me and how we still talk about one day getting married? Or is that just stuff she does to pacify me? Is she the same person when she's with me or is she different around them? That's why I'd like to meet Sam and Andy. I want everything to be out in the open. Let them stand there in the room and see if she can still tell me those things. If she means it, then why should it matter who knows it?

I'm really just as tired of all the drama as anyone else.

If I said I were happy, I'd be lying. I can't justify how I feel, so I won't try. I'm a jealous love sick fool and there's nothing I can do about it - as if you didn't know.

I love you, Melissa. Good night, everybody.

So, not a lot to write about, I just got to thinking... which is something I do quite a lot. I mean, I rarely get in trouble for not thinking, usually just for thinking the wrong thing.

So anyway, I just wanted to say I'm grateful for everything. I see people every day who take the things they have for granted. Ya know, whether it's the people who are there for them or the material things they have, I just don't think a lot of people are truly appreciative. For instance, how many times have you ever envied someone for whatever reason? Did you ever think "Man, if I were that person, I'd be so happy and so thankful." And yet, I can imagine someone looking at me and thinking that... so I'm taking this opportunity to say that I am thankful for all that I have. How did I become surrounded by such wonderful people? I'm dedicated to the girl I love, my friends are there for me, my family loves me unconditionally, I have a decent job, I have a nice ride, and I have no real enemies. Not only do I have no reason to complain, but I feel like I should be celebrating for making it this far and having so much to show for it. You might say I'm a lucky guy, and I do feel as though I am, however I am a good guy and I think in my own way I've earned it all. It feels good to know that being a good person does pay off and there's even a certain satisfaction in proving that an atheist can be a good person.

Now that that is out of the way, I'd like to point out that my Merchandise page is up and functional. It's been a long time coming, though all I really needed was a couple of hours and some motivation. Also, I had some left over time and motivation, so I went back and added each and every journal entry from my old pre-blog journal into my blog and then dated them back to their original date. It doesn't sound like much, but it took just about as long if not longer than it did to set up the merchandise. Everyone is welcome to order from the merchandise page, though I can't imagine who would actually do so. The first person to order will probably be me when I end up ordering my own crap to give to people as x-mas gifts. If anyone else orders, though, I want pics!

I really need to do something with the comics page, but I'm just shit out of ideas. Also, I think I'm goig to do away with the art page and just link the button to my deviantart page. Yea, so look for more updates to come. Oh, and if you order anything from the merchandise page, I promise you are NOT supporting international terrorism. (just the domestic kind)

I was issued a speeding ticket this morning. Just what I needed to start my day off right. Of course I was late for work too. Getting pulled over will do that. 62 in a 40. $130 fine. Ya know, there's been plenty of times when I could have afforded a $130 fine but I never got pulled over. Of course not, they pull you over as if they know they're squeezing the last drop of money out of you. I was also ticketed for no proof of insurance. Actually, I had one of those stupid proof of insurance cards, but it was expired. The whole proof of insurance card thing is just a big pile of bullshit anyway. It's like every 6 months I'm supposed to remember to swap the card out for a new one? Anyway, as soon as I get proof that my insurance is, in fact, current I can go show it off and there won't be a fine or anything. It's just a big fucking inconvenience all the way around. I got almost two months to come up with the $130, which shouldn't be too tough. It's just not what I needed right now.

I know everyone gets tired of reading me talk about Melissa, but I can't help it. Yesterday she told me that Sam doesn't call her anymore because of Andy. Andy, just like me was an ex who dumped her and now wants her back. Then his best friend Sam started hitting on her and going out with her behind his back so now Andy doesn't want anything to do with Melissa even though she didn't do anything wrong. At first, it sounded like a simple case of bros b4 hoes. But really it's like this... Andy wants her back, but in my opinion doesn't deserve her because he doesn't love her. Furthermore he's an idiot for not realizing that it was Sam who picked her up not the other way around. Then he's been talking to (cock blocking) Sam and making Sam feel guilty so he won't want to hang out with Melissa any more. What I'd like to know is why Sam picked her up in the first place if he knew Andy was trying to get her back. I mean, surely Andy let Sam know what was up. And obviously Sam and Melissa both knew it because they kept it from Andy. I know if it were me and Justin, and he were to introduce me to some girl that he was trying to hook back up with, I'd stay as far away from that as possible unless she came after me. I do agree that the whole situation sucks for Melissa, and that's why she told me about it.

If you know me, then you know the whole conversation hurt like someone sticking their finger in a bullet wound, but I tried to hide it as best I could. I really want her to know that she can talk to me about anything. Unfortunately, I wasn't really able to give her any helpful advice. All I could tell her is that maybe one day she will find someone who isn't an idiot.

As for me, I don't know what I'm doing, as usual. Maybe I am being played, but I just have to keep being the person I am: straight forward and honest as always. If that doesn't pay off, I can't blame myself. I won't keep beating myself up for my past mistakes. It's in the past. I won't make the same mistakes again. I'm not going to beg Melissa to give me another chance any more. Though I honestly believe we are still meant to be together, if she doesn't realize that, then it's her loss as much as it is mine. I'm done pleading my case. I'll continue to give her my love and devotion, but that's all I can do.

You would think with the Chronicles of Riddick hitting theatres this summer, the brains at BlockBuster might see fit to have more than one copy of Pitch Black per store. Granted, Pitch Black wasn't a really great movie, but I'm apparently not the only person who would like to see it again before they go watch the sequel.

Melissa and I went and saw "The Day After Tomorrow" last night. Here's the scoop. The movie was decent. Special effects were good and convincing without being too over the top. They did a good job of showing how stupid people can really be on numerous occasions. Particularly the people in L.A. standing around watching the tornadoes and the New Yorkers who thought it was a good idea to trudge out into the worst storm the world has ever seen. I mean, c'mon, there was a tidal wave that hit NYC and promptly froze, so you can either build a fire and wait it out, or you can attempt a pilgrimage to New Jersey and hope they're having better weather. And was it just me, or did the president in this movie bear a striking resemblance to Al Gore? But then the vice president looked like Dick Cheney so I don't know what to make of it.

We also saw Club Dread. What a stinker. Broken Lizard should have stuck with the Super Troopers thing. That movie was funny as hell. This movie wasn't funny. It wasn't scary. It was only mildly entertaining. I'm really tempted to say the only thing this movie had going for it was boobies. And if you're a chick watching it, the movie had nothing going for it ...unless you happen to have a fetish for bad accents. Let me save you some money by delivering you the only funny line in the movie: "Was that a fat joke?"

As for things between Melissa and I, I'm tempted to say things have never been better. Don't get me wrong, she still hasn't taken me back, but we've been spending about as much time together as two people can spend together without giving up their jobs. For the most part, I do my best to forget she's not my girlfriend anymore. I mean, if I talk to other people about her, I almost always still refer to her as my girlfriend whether it's a matter of convenience, habit, or just wishful thinking. And, if that bothers her, I'll try to stop.

She told me last night that her ex, Andy, isn't speaking to her anymore. Of course, he introduced her to Sam and then she started hanging out with Sam without Andy knowing, so now Andy doesn't talk to Sam or Melissa. Now, first off, I don't think a guy should let a girl come between him and his friends, unless it's real absolute love -Which it obviously isn't because either way he should be speaking to one of them at least. I've never understood the "I'm pissed at you so I'm not speaking to you" routine. I can sort of see where he's coming from, though. Maybe if I didn't love Melissa I might do the same thing. Certainly not saying I feel sorry for Andy, but I do try to see everyone's point of view.

That brings me to Melissa and Sam. I really hate that I'm asking someone I love to choose between an old flame and a new one. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm too preoccupied with my "pick me!" attitude to consider what's best for Melissa. I mean, I don't know Sam. Maybe he's prince charming, and I'm begging her to be with the toad. As for Sam's point of view, I know I'd be kind of bummed out if I met a really cool girl like Melissa and just as soon as I was getting to know her she started spending all her free time with her ex-boyfriend who suddenly realized what an idiot he had been. If I were Sam, I'd probably tell her not to take me back. That's just the honest truth.

I promised I would quit being a drama queen, so I'll leave it at that. I just wanted it to be known (again) that I do see the big picture and I am sorry for my part in it.