So that last post was my way of putting in to words how badly I wanted Melissa to call me Saturday night. I was at Justin's house - though he was at work. Yea, I know ... he got a job at Sonic. cool huh? So anyway, I went over there and there was a big party as usual, but all I did was hang out with Erica (Justin's girlfriend) and Rachel (Justin's sister) who also live there. It was rare because I didn't go over to the side of the house where the party was at all. You see, I was only there because I needed to get out of my house to keep myself from going crazy. I would have been with Melissa had I been given the choice, but she was hanging out with Sam. It would be great if I could pretend that didn't bother me, but I'm only human. So the later it got, the worse I felt, and some time after Justin got home around 1am, I decided all my pacing back and forth and rubbing on my cell phone was doing me no good and I might as well go home. Eventually, Melissa did call me around 3am, and I was at home in bed all but about to fall asleep with my cell phone resting on my chest. Then I was just so damn happy, I didn't care about anything else. She came to my house and spent the rest of the night with me which really meant a lot to me because I know she could have spent the night with Sam or she could have gone home, but she chose to be with me. =)

So, sunday morning, or afternoon actually, when we woke up we decided to go to the flea market and look for a bunny. Yea, that's right. I said "look for a bunny." Melissa has wanted a bunny for a long time, and I've always told her "no." Well, yesterday I gave in. We found a small grey lop-eared bunny, which is supposed to be a miniature or dwarf. I say supposed to because I've heard of people buying baby rabbits and being told they're miniature only to have them grow to full size. But anyway, we went and bought all of the amenities: water bottle, litter, food, a little bed for him to sleep in, vitamins, chew toys, ... the whole nine yards. Melissa has named him "GlennBunny" which if you were to rate the adorable-ness of that name on a scale of 1-11, it would be a 29. Right now 'GlennBunny' is living at my house because we're pretty sure her parents won't let her keep him at her house, at least not all the time. At some point, hopefully, we can work out some kind of shared custody arrangement. Not that I that I have a problem keeping him all the time, I just think as parents ;), we should feel obligated to share the responsibilites. Look forward to seeing some pictures of GlennBunny here on the site VERY soon.

So, yea... Melissa spent, well, the whole day with me yesterday. She even went home for a while and then came back and spent an hour or so with me before bed. She didn't have to work today, whereas I had to be at work at 6am, so she didn't stay the night with me because she wanted to sleep in. So anyway, while she was at my house, Sam called. She didn't answer but he left a message. Since she was leaving and had no plans for tomorrow, I kinda figured she would call him, and maybe even go hang out with him. Afterall, I might do the same if it were one of my friends. So, I kissed her goodnight and told her not to stay out too late and I would see her tomorrow.

Well... I wouldn't mention all of that about Sam except just as I should have been going to sleep I sat awake in bed wondering if I should call her... ya know, just to find out if she were going to hang out with him. I thought to myself, "it would be nice to know if she isn't..." but also "if she is, I don't really want to know." It was about this time my phone started dancing on my window sill. Of course, to my delight, it was Melissa and she was just calling to let me know she wasn't hanging out with Sam. It made me really happy... not so much because she wasn't hanging out with Sam, (afterall, he's her friend and that's her prerogative) but because it reminded me that she does know me and how I feel, and not only that but she really does care about me. What more can a guy ask for?

Have you ever been so anxious for someone to call you that you've found yourself pacing back and forth clutching your cell phone and rubbing on it as though a genie were going to pop out of it and grant you your wish?

I'm feeling a lot better today. I got to see Melissa last night =). We went and saw Shrek 2. It wasn't a bad movie. I wouldn't put it right up there with the first one, but it was really funny.

After that, we went to Wal-Mart to kill some time. (This is Alabama, in case you are confused). We just walked around and looked at different things. We looked at the wall posters and when she would come across the poster of a super model or something she would quickly skip over it, and that made me happy. We looked at the housewares and kinda kidded around with the idea of what all we would buy if we were to move in together. Then we looked through the shoe section and made our way over to the paints. She showed me a shade of green and said she liked it and that one day she would like for us to have a room that color. After a little compromise, we decided that one day we would have a room that would be painted blue on the top half and her shade of green on the bottom half and in that room we would have lots of plants and a bunny. =) After that, we walked through the toy section and finally made our way over to electronics where we dug through the discount DVD bin for quite a while. I found the movie Airheads and had to have it. I offered to buy Melissa the best of friends DVDs for season one and two but she said she didn't really want them.

After wal-mart, we went to a little bar, I don't recall the name, where a band was playing and one of the guys in the band was a friend of her brother's. Of course, that means her brother and his girlfriend were also there. The name of the band, if I recall correctly, was Above Zero. Melissa didn't drink, but I had a screwdriver, and I was really digging the band... probably only because they sounded good and were playing covers I knew the words to. I guess the loud music was a little too much for Melissa because her head started hurting so we left early. After that, I took her back to my house and gave her a much needed massage I had promised her.

It wasn't until I was taking Melissa home that she finally told me the one thing I needed to snap me out of this weird place I've been. She basically told me to just be myself. She said that with the exception of yesterday, the way I've been acting, basicly dumping on her with all my inner garbage, trying so hard to get her back, and making her feel guilty about doing things with other people, that I haven't been myself and I haven't been fun to be around. If I really want a shot at winning her back I have to just be myself, the care-free guy she fell in love with, and whatever happens will happen. It sounds really simple, and for sure, it's what I've should have been doing all along. Last night I actually fell asleep for the first time this week thinking everything will be allright.

Also, I'm going on day 4 of my fast. Still haven't eaten anything since monday, with the possible exception of that night I spent with Melissa :P. Anyway, yeah... I just wanted to give everyone an update and let you all know that I'm sticking with this thing for at least a little while. I told Melissa 40 days. I seriously doubt I can go that long, but it's something to shoot for. I really need to buy a scale too to see if I'm losing any weight. Weight loss certainly isn't the main purpose of my fasting, but would certainly be a pleasant side-effect.

Lastly, I just want to take this opportunity once again to thank everyone who has been there for me this week. Thank you all. Everything is going to be ok.

Well, I went to Eric's yesterday. Everything is peachy keen with him and his family. He bought his wife a new car - a 2003 Taurus. I got to see the kids and they are two of the cutest little brats you'll ever see. I really should take pictures the next time I'm there. What else can I say though, the man's got it good. I think the only time he has problems with his wife is when I come to visit. I don't know why but it's always been like that. *shrugs* He hadn't read my journal recently, so I saved him some reading time and gave him the reader's digest version of what all has been going on and how I feel, and how Melissa has told me she feels.

Here's what he had to say... for one, she really is perfect for me. Secondly, I'm an idiot for screwing things up, but he knows me so well that he knew I was going to do it eventually. He doesn't think it would be a bad idea for me to try to date someone else as it would give everyone time to think. I just don't see that as an option though... if for no other reason than I don't want to be with anyone else. He asked me if it came down to it, would I marry her? I told him that if I thought she would take me back, I would. That answer wasn't a spur of the moment decision. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, even though I wouldn't have brought it up.

I know Melissa will probably read this and think I'm full of shit or whatever, but I've changed. I really have. I've never felt this way about anyone or anything and I'm not scared of love anymore. I'm not scared of spending the rest of my life with her. I'm not scared of how we would deal with the religious aspects of raising our children. I'm not scared that I won't be able to always make her happy. I'm not scared of picking a place to eat (assuming I ever eat again). I'm not scared that she won't make me happy. I talked to her last night and I told her I'm going to call her as soon as she gets off work today so maybe we could do something, and I know it goes without saying, but I'm really looking forward to seeing her.

Today is another day. I spent last night with Melissa. It was wonderful. She's tries so hard to make me happy, but I think we both know the one thing that would make me truly happy is the one thing I can't have again.

I'm so confused about everything now... and the more I try to make sense of it the more confused I get. Last night, it was like none of this ever happened. It made me really really happy... even if only for a little while. It's a funny thing about relationships. You can't just say, "Our relationship is over, and now we're just friends." Because any time you interact with someone on a regular basis, that's a relationship. So, unless you completely quit seeing each other, all you're really doing is redefining the boundaries. So where's the boundaries? We're still doing the same things. We're still hanging out, going to movies, and in general just trying to spend as much time together as possible (or maybe it's just me?). After last night, I can only assume we're still going to have sex... so... whats' the big difference? Exclusivity? Meaning now she can see other people if she wants. I suppose I could see other people if I wanted, but I only want to be with her. I still want to win her back. I'm not the kind of person who gives up easily... and that brings me to my next point.

At first, when she told me she wouldn't take me back, I didn't want to have a physical relationship with her anymore. I don't want to be just another person for her to have meaningless sex with. I don't want to share her. Then it dawned on me that whenever we're together it is meaningful - for both of us, at least I hope it is. And maybe it's just a crazy thought but if I can give her meaningful sex, then maybe she won't want the meaningless kind from someone else. It's probably just wishful thinking, but I don't want to believe otherwise.

Also, I've been fasting... which even I have to admit is an odd thing for an atheist to do. I don't even know why I'm doing. At first I just didn't feel like eating and now I just want to see how long I can go without food. I'm limiting myself to only water and juices. Mostly Dasani, V8, and Minute Maid. The last time I ate was Monday night at Arby's with Melissa. It's been suprisingly easy. Going to the bathroom is a breeze and aside from the occasional stomach cramps, there really isn't a down-side. Fasting has always been thought to have cleansing & healing properties... in fact, I even read somewhere that some animals fast when they get sick as a means of ridding themselves of whatever ails them. I seriously doubt that, though. I mean, who's to say if the animal is choosing not to eat in order to get better or if he's just so sick he can't eat?

So, I've been planning to go over to Eric's after work today. Of course, he doesn't know that, but I feel like I need to see him and seek his opinion, but at the same time I scared of what he might tell me. As if that wasn't enough, I don't know if I want to go a whole day without seeing Melissa. Maybe I can go see him and get back in time to spend time with Melissa... that is, assuming she's not too busy and would want to see me.

No one prepares you for life. You go into each day not knowing what it will bring or what effect your decisions will have on your future. Furthermore, you certainly don't know what effect your decisions will have on other people's decisions that will affect your future.

Why do we choose to learn about love from Hollywood? Where every movie has a happy ending. You never see the movie where the guy gets the girl, lives happily, leaves girl, realizes his mistake, tries to get her back, and fails. Hollywood doesn't give the girl enough credit. We take for granted that if the guy comes to his senses and confesses his undying love for her that she'll take him back. That's not the real world. The real world is not a world of happy endings and second chances. The real world is a world of mistakes and punishment. If you choose to continue living in it, you're given the opportunity to learn from your mistakes. What no one tells is that your attempts to learn from past mistakes are futile because there will always be new mistakes you didn't know you would make.

What is love to you? I know some people who can walk through a room of strangers hugging each and every one and tell them they love them. Other people reserve the word for only those who are closest to them, people they would take a bullet for, people who they can't imagine their life without. What makes either better than the other? Ask yourself how many people you've said you love. How many do you still love? Can you really love someone and then hate them later, or did you actually never love them at all? I'm the second kind of person.

The people I love:

My mother, my father, my brother(Scott), Eric, Justin, and Melissa.

How many people are there on Earth? 5? 6+ billion? And out of all of those people, I can honestly say without a doubt that I love those six. I could go on and on at length about each one of them and explain how I love each one of them in a completely unique way. Although I love them all in different ways, no matter what they do to me, no matter how much pain they bring me, no matter what, I will always love them. Even if their definitions of love are different than mine, even if they stop loving me or don't love me or even if they never loved me, I'll always love them and I'll always be there for them. That being said, I don't choose who to love and who not to love. I want everyone to know that. I don't want anyone to be confused about what love means to me. It's not a game to me and I won't throw the word out there just to fuck with people's heads.

If you know me and you're not on the list, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. It doesn't even necessarily mean I don't love you and certainly doesn't mean I won't some day come to love you. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that there's many different ways to realize you love someone. From now on, I'm going to pay closer attention to my feelings. I don't want to let myself love anyone else again only to realize it too late. I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself.

I don't yet know that there is life after Melissa. At one time I thought I would be the one who would move on seamlessly and she would be the one wanting me back. I don't know what made me think I deserved such an ego. It doesn't take an Einstein to realize that there's not a lot of girls out there looking for a 22 y/o, 325 lb., atheist, college dropout who lives with his parents and has nothing better to do than hang out with his loser friends and sink small loads of money into a car that will probably never be paid for.
That's just the simple truth, so having said that maybe Melissa is better off without me...

...but I'm still totally screwed without her.

If there were anything in world that I could do to un-do what I've done, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If there were anything I could say to make her know that things would be different, I'd say it without hesitation. Amputation? I'm there. Castration? Ehhh... well even I have to draw the line somewhere.

Melissa won't take me back. My life is shit. Her favorite band is
hoobastank, so I leave you with this song that aired as I left her house tonight.

THE REASON

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

-----

Good night, babe.

I don't think I've ever thought so hard about what to write here as I have the past two days. I don't know if it's ever been said, but I've come to believe that the worst pain a person can feel is that which he inflicts on himself.

I've always tried to do what I have thought was right only to end up hurting myself, the people I love, and the people who love me. After the fact, I can apologize to the people I love and the people who love me and they can choose to forgive me or not. However, forgiving myself is the hardest thing to do. I let go of one of the only people who has ever loved me partly because I was scared and partly because I thought we would both be better off. In doing so I hurt her more than I will ever know and ultimately hurt myself as well.

Melissa has never hesitated to tell me she loves me. It's so important to her that I know how much she loves me, and I do. I know how much she loves me and as much as it pains me to say this now, I didn't think I could return that love... so I let her go. Still, rarely did a day go by when she didn't call me with hopes of seeing me again. As time passed I stopped answering the phone. I hoped she would get over me and move on. When she did call and I would answer she would tell me how she was hanging out with other guys. I won't lie. I was concerned... but why? It was so soon. She still says she loves me. I would ask my friends what they thought and they would say "she's just trying to make you jealous." I believed them... because that was what I wanted to believe. I didn't want to believe that she would find herself in someone else's arms so soon. Afterall, she loves me, right? I had to ask...

It was true. She slept with another guy named Sam. She didn't do it to make me jealous. She did it because she could. She did it because I was ignoring her. She did it because she thought I didn't care... and why not? I gave her every reason to believe I didn't. She has no reason to apologize. It was I who left her...

I underestimated the consequences of my actions. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has ever hurt me so much. How can someone who says they love you do that? I understand that sometimes sex doesn't mean anything to the people who are doing it, but it could mean everything to someone else. I know she loves me. I'm not even going to question that. So how bad must I have hurt her to make her do what she did? in spite of how much she loves me? And why do I care? Why should it bother me that I could be replaced so easily? I let her go. Not the other way around. And ever since she told me it's done nothing but eat away at me. Why? After all she did to lift me up... I feel like I'm falling and I can't see the ground. It would be so easy to blame her but I can't. I can only blame myself.

And yet the last two days she's been right beside me. why? I wasn't supposed to be hurt, but I am... and she's with me because she does still love me. And so I find myself regretting ever leaving her, even though I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I regret it because through all of this, I figured out the answer to all the "Why"s I've been asking myself. I love her. I don't even know how long I've loved her, but I do. I wish I had realized it before all of this happened. I wish I had known and let her know and not left her, and not hurt her, and not have hurt myself... but I can't change that. All I can do is show her how much I love her and hope she'll forgive me.

I still have trouble reconciling the fact the she loves me with her lack of regret for what she did. I know she didn't think it would hurt me at the time, but now, knowing how it hurt me - she still feels the same. If that's her way of punishing me then I deserve it and I'll just have to accept that. I just hope that professing my love for her isn't too little too late.

It almost looked as though I had abandoned this site, didn't it? harr. .. u know me better than that. If I'm going to pay the whopping $10 a month to keep this thing up and running, i guess I ought to post to it. hrmm... yea... so what topics to touch on... finally got my bodykit on my car and it looks great. Many thanks to everyone at hotwheelz of mobile as well as Fred over at Banfi automotive for the great deal on the paint & install. What else... well... I turned 22. big deal. uhh... melissa turned 21. Melissa and I broke up. Not that it had anything to do with her turning 21 or anything ... in fact we broke up prior to that. We're going to remain friends which is good. There's no real one reason we parted ways. Some might say it was a fear of commitment on my part. Others might say she was smothering me. I don't particularly like either of those descriptions but I do think we're better suited to be friends.

In more recent news, I developed a Pilonidal Cyst which you can read about here. A week ago I had no idea it was there. It started bothering me last weekend when I started having slight pain sitting down. By monday, it was painful enough that I had my resident "Dr. Mom" (who most of you know is an ER Nurse) take a look at it. She suggested I take a trip to the ER and have a doc look at it. So I did. Dr. Sims said it wasn't bad enough yet to drain it so he gave me scripts for antibiotics and some loratabs. Well, the antibiotics didn't do shit, but the loratabs helped me get through another two days at work. So the cyst didn't get any better and I went back to the E.R. last night and Dr. Sims decided they were going to cut it open, drain it, and pack it with gauze (the typical treatment). While it has provided some relief, I now have to wear a maxipad on my ass for the next couple of days to catch any further drainage. Needless to say I called in to work for the next couple of days but I should be back to work on Monday. Until then, here I am. I moved my monitor over next to my bed so I could lay on my stomach and type. Still too uncomfortable to sit. Talk about your "pain in the ass." *sigh*