Today is another day. I spent last night with Melissa. It was wonderful. She's tries so hard to make me happy, but I think we both know the one thing that would make me truly happy is the one thing I can't have again.
I'm so confused about everything now... and the more I try to make sense of it the more confused I get. Last night, it was like none of this ever happened. It made me really really happy... even if only for a little while. It's a funny thing about relationships. You can't just say, "Our relationship is over, and now we're just friends." Because any time you interact with someone on a regular basis, that's a relationship. So, unless you completely quit seeing each other, all you're really doing is redefining the boundaries. So where's the boundaries? We're still doing the same things. We're still hanging out, going to movies, and in general just trying to spend as much time together as possible (or maybe it's just me?). After last night, I can only assume we're still going to have sex... so... whats' the big difference? Exclusivity? Meaning now she can see other people if she wants. I suppose I could see other people if I wanted, but I only want to be with her. I still want to win her back. I'm not the kind of person who gives up easily... and that brings me to my next point.
At first, when she told me she wouldn't take me back, I didn't want to have a physical relationship with her anymore. I don't want to be just another person for her to have meaningless sex with. I don't want to share her. Then it dawned on me that whenever we're together it is meaningful - for both of us, at least I hope it is. And maybe it's just a crazy thought but if I can give her meaningful sex, then maybe she won't want the meaningless kind from someone else. It's probably just wishful thinking, but I don't want to believe otherwise.
Also, I've been fasting... which even I have to admit is an odd thing for an atheist to do. I don't even know why I'm doing. At first I just didn't feel like eating and now I just want to see how long I can go without food. I'm limiting myself to only water and juices. Mostly Dasani, V8, and Minute Maid. The last time I ate was Monday night at Arby's with Melissa. It's been suprisingly easy. Going to the bathroom is a breeze and aside from the occasional stomach cramps, there really isn't a down-side. Fasting has always been thought to have cleansing & healing properties... in fact, I even read somewhere that some animals fast when they get sick as a means of ridding themselves of whatever ails them. I seriously doubt that, though. I mean, who's to say if the animal is choosing not to eat in order to get better or if he's just so sick he can't eat?
So, I've been planning to go over to Eric's after work today. Of course, he doesn't know that, but I feel like I need to see him and seek his opinion, but at the same time I scared of what he might tell me. As if that wasn't enough, I don't know if I want to go a whole day without seeing Melissa. Maybe I can go see him and get back in time to spend time with Melissa... that is, assuming she's not too busy and would want to see me.
I'm so confused about everything now... and the more I try to make sense of it the more confused I get. Last night, it was like none of this ever happened. It made me really really happy... even if only for a little while. It's a funny thing about relationships. You can't just say, "Our relationship is over, and now we're just friends." Because any time you interact with someone on a regular basis, that's a relationship. So, unless you completely quit seeing each other, all you're really doing is redefining the boundaries. So where's the boundaries? We're still doing the same things. We're still hanging out, going to movies, and in general just trying to spend as much time together as possible (or maybe it's just me?). After last night, I can only assume we're still going to have sex... so... whats' the big difference? Exclusivity? Meaning now she can see other people if she wants. I suppose I could see other people if I wanted, but I only want to be with her. I still want to win her back. I'm not the kind of person who gives up easily... and that brings me to my next point.
At first, when she told me she wouldn't take me back, I didn't want to have a physical relationship with her anymore. I don't want to be just another person for her to have meaningless sex with. I don't want to share her. Then it dawned on me that whenever we're together it is meaningful - for both of us, at least I hope it is. And maybe it's just a crazy thought but if I can give her meaningful sex, then maybe she won't want the meaningless kind from someone else. It's probably just wishful thinking, but I don't want to believe otherwise.
Also, I've been fasting... which even I have to admit is an odd thing for an atheist to do. I don't even know why I'm doing. At first I just didn't feel like eating and now I just want to see how long I can go without food. I'm limiting myself to only water and juices. Mostly Dasani, V8, and Minute Maid. The last time I ate was Monday night at Arby's with Melissa. It's been suprisingly easy. Going to the bathroom is a breeze and aside from the occasional stomach cramps, there really isn't a down-side. Fasting has always been thought to have cleansing & healing properties... in fact, I even read somewhere that some animals fast when they get sick as a means of ridding themselves of whatever ails them. I seriously doubt that, though. I mean, who's to say if the animal is choosing not to eat in order to get better or if he's just so sick he can't eat?
So, I've been planning to go over to Eric's after work today. Of course, he doesn't know that, but I feel like I need to see him and seek his opinion, but at the same time I scared of what he might tell me. As if that wasn't enough, I don't know if I want to go a whole day without seeing Melissa. Maybe I can go see him and get back in time to spend time with Melissa... that is, assuming she's not too busy and would want to see me.
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