I don't think I've ever thought so hard about what to write here as I have the past two days. I don't know if it's ever been said, but I've come to believe that the worst pain a person can feel is that which he inflicts on himself.

I've always tried to do what I have thought was right only to end up hurting myself, the people I love, and the people who love me. After the fact, I can apologize to the people I love and the people who love me and they can choose to forgive me or not. However, forgiving myself is the hardest thing to do. I let go of one of the only people who has ever loved me partly because I was scared and partly because I thought we would both be better off. In doing so I hurt her more than I will ever know and ultimately hurt myself as well.

Melissa has never hesitated to tell me she loves me. It's so important to her that I know how much she loves me, and I do. I know how much she loves me and as much as it pains me to say this now, I didn't think I could return that love... so I let her go. Still, rarely did a day go by when she didn't call me with hopes of seeing me again. As time passed I stopped answering the phone. I hoped she would get over me and move on. When she did call and I would answer she would tell me how she was hanging out with other guys. I won't lie. I was concerned... but why? It was so soon. She still says she loves me. I would ask my friends what they thought and they would say "she's just trying to make you jealous." I believed them... because that was what I wanted to believe. I didn't want to believe that she would find herself in someone else's arms so soon. Afterall, she loves me, right? I had to ask...

It was true. She slept with another guy named Sam. She didn't do it to make me jealous. She did it because she could. She did it because I was ignoring her. She did it because she thought I didn't care... and why not? I gave her every reason to believe I didn't. She has no reason to apologize. It was I who left her...

I underestimated the consequences of my actions. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has ever hurt me so much. How can someone who says they love you do that? I understand that sometimes sex doesn't mean anything to the people who are doing it, but it could mean everything to someone else. I know she loves me. I'm not even going to question that. So how bad must I have hurt her to make her do what she did? in spite of how much she loves me? And why do I care? Why should it bother me that I could be replaced so easily? I let her go. Not the other way around. And ever since she told me it's done nothing but eat away at me. Why? After all she did to lift me up... I feel like I'm falling and I can't see the ground. It would be so easy to blame her but I can't. I can only blame myself.

And yet the last two days she's been right beside me. why? I wasn't supposed to be hurt, but I am... and she's with me because she does still love me. And so I find myself regretting ever leaving her, even though I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. I regret it because through all of this, I figured out the answer to all the "Why"s I've been asking myself. I love her. I don't even know how long I've loved her, but I do. I wish I had realized it before all of this happened. I wish I had known and let her know and not left her, and not hurt her, and not have hurt myself... but I can't change that. All I can do is show her how much I love her and hope she'll forgive me.

I still have trouble reconciling the fact the she loves me with her lack of regret for what she did. I know she didn't think it would hurt me at the time, but now, knowing how it hurt me - she still feels the same. If that's her way of punishing me then I deserve it and I'll just have to accept that. I just hope that professing my love for her isn't too little too late.