Yesterday was Sterling's birthday. He finally hit the big 2-1 and hopefully got completely trashed. I had to leave early because I had to work today, but I had a good time while I was over there last night. I probably got a little more drunk than I really wanted to, but I was able to drive, I didn't puke, and I didn't wake up with a hangover and that's really all I could hope for. Melissa finally got to go to the "Casa de Cool." Yea, I don't know what the big deal is, but she went inside and wrote something on Tony's wall- she said she couldn't remember what. Apparently he's proliferating the modern-day cliche of turning your bedroom walls into a message board. Anyway, we left hillsdale around 10:15 (i think) and went to waffle house and ate before I dropped melissa off back at her house. From there I went home and called it a night.

--------------------

The remainder of today's entry is primarily for any of my co-workers who may be reading this. The rest of you can disregard, or read along as you see fit.

I feel I need to address a certain issue that has come to my attention. I'll start with some back-story. As some of you know, Melissa is my boss's daughter. When we met, I admit I was concerned about the possible consequences of dating her, namely how it might affect my job. The first time I talked to my boss, Billy, about the whole situation, though a bit suprised, he assured me that it would not be a problem. When I asked him about telling my co-workers of the situation, he said he would leave that up to me.

I've known as long as I've worked at my current job, that there are people who I can confide in, and people I can't. There are some people who can recognize an akward situation for what it is, and there are others who will think of it as juicy inter-office gossip. Therefore, to avoid controversy, there were some people I chose to tell and others I didn't. Recently, Matt, a former employee who returned to visit, broke my trust. (You would think someone who has been run through the rumor mill as many times as he has would have more mercy - but that is not my point.) In a way, I should be relieved - except that the gossips think they're so clever in not letting me know they know. Of course, letting me know and not making a big deal out of it would be the mature thing to do, but I can't say it amazes me to see adults behave so childishly. It has also become known to me that they have read my site and that I am now somehow the butt of their own little inside joke. It reminds me of this quote: "You laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at you because you are all the same." Yet, like any child with a new toy, I suspect it is only a matter of time before my not-so-private private life ceases to amuse them.

Hell, one day they might even get a life.

So, the posting every Sunday thing didn't last as long as I had hoped. I can't exactly say I didn't see it coming though. Yeah. It's November now. It's still so damn hot outside though. It pisses me off. It's like Lewis Black talks about on his album, "The End of the Universe," referring to 2001, after September 11th: "There was no fall. It was a spring... and nobody noticed." Yeah, that's not an exact quote, but that's pretty much what he said ... and pretty much how I feel. So Halloween went pretty good this year. I say it was good only in reference to last year when I moped around the mall dressed like Silent Bob. This year the gang was at Sonic, you know - the fast food drive-in place, and they had live bands. In fact, Justin's band played the day after so I actually spent two days at Sonic. I, of course, did the Silent Bob thing again this year. It was fun. Melissa came up there both days. I tried to stay in character most of the time and one guy actually looked at me and said, "Use the force, Bob." We even got this guy Zane to come out to Sonic on the Saturday when Justin's band played. Zane is about as close to a real life Jay as there is with the possible exception of Mewes himself. Zane didn't really get into the whole thing though. I mean, he likes Kevin Smith movies and all, and he likes Jay & Silent Bob; I just don't think he wants people to think of him as Jay. On the other hand, people could think of me as silent bob for the rest of my life and I'd be ok with it.

Christmas is coming. Ain't that fucking wonderful. I have no money to spend on gifts. I imagine I'm going to have to keep the list of people I buy shit for rather short. Of course I'll get stuff for Melissa, my Mom, Eric, maybe Justin & Sterling. I dunno, probably not Justin. I mean, that cock-smoker still owes me $450... and it's not like his broke ass is going to get me anything. I bought him a t-shirt recently that says "I have no job. I have no car. I have no money. But I'm in a band." That last part just about doesn't apply since he has pawned his guitars and amps. I just get so frustrated thinking about it because he has had every opportunity to get (and keep) a job and he's fucked it away every time it's come around. So he just keeps pawning what little bit of shit he has to come up with his part of the rent. I just don't know how low he will get, how dirt poor he will have to be, before he wakes up. Granted, it's not my life that's being pissed away, but I just hate to have no other choice than to watch him make dumb fuck decisions over and over again. What's worse is Sterling isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed and even he can recognize that Justin has no clue how to rise above a level of existence that relates to anything other than merely surviving. Grrr... so aggravating.

Melissa loves me. Yeah, I can't explain it. I seriously don't know what it is she sees in me. I really don't think I deserve all the praises I get from her, though I've learned not to try to refute them. On the other hand, I have feelings for her as well. Maybe it's love. Maybe it isn't. I know she makes me happy. I know that how she feels directly affects how I feel. I know that I don't ever want her to hate me or even not like me. But... I just can't see myself settling down yet. Sure, I want to get married and hopefully even have kids one day... but not now. And it's not that I don't want her to be the mother of my children or anything either. I bet she'd make an excellent mother. I've tried to justify it by saying we'd disagree too much about how to raise children since I'm an atheist and she's a Baptist, but I know that we'd probably work through that when the time comes. I guess it just boils down to the normal everyday fear of commitment - but I don't see that as something that is going to go away. It's just not time for me to settle down and everyday that passes I feel like I'm somehow robbing her of time that could be better spent looking for Mr. Right... like I'm being selfish in keeping her to myself for the time being. I know this is a lame metaphor, but if you could think of her as a book in a book store, and she's the last copy of this really great out-of-print book that you know someone should own and take home and put in their library but you can't really afford it so you walk around the store reading it and the more you read it, the more guilty you feel about not buying it and at the same time you don't want to put it down cause you know you'll never be able to find another one like it. It's like that. I just don't know what I should do - if anything. Whatever happens, I just want to do what's right for both of us.