Man, I have been busy as hell lately. I've been trying to keep things together around the house since my I had to put my Dad in the hospital last Sunday night. He came home with his knee bothering him and had me take him to the emergency room, and he's been at the hospital ever since. Good news is he didn't break anything, or dislocate anything, or anything like that. It turns out he has an infection in his knee... and he was running a fever because of it. His fever is pretty much gone, but his leg is still very red, and to top it all off, they think he might be diabetic. They haven't really given me all the details, and if they told him, he probably didn't understand it well enough to let me know. The good thing is, my Mom, who works in the ER at the hospital can call up there to where he's at and talk to the nurses to get the details on what's going on. It really sucks to have to deal with something like this when Mom is out of town. This has always been the sort of thing she was so good at taking care of. And since I also work at the hospital, it seems like lately, I've been there more than I've been at home. On the bright side, I might be submitting my site to a web ring. I was doing some research on web rings and found out that there is a web ring for atheists with on-line journals. Sounds like what I got here, so it's worth a shot... it might also give people who come here a chance to check out the pages of other atheists. So, anyway, that's about all that is happening right now, so check ya L8r...

Okay, new rule for myself. Never reply to people in the guestbook in my journal. If they want a reply, they'll leave an e-mail address. Makes sense to me. I don't know why I let stupid people get to me. But think of this, and this is quite amusing... These people get a kick out of reading my pointless dribble. Some people hate me, some people like me, but no matter what, they still come here to read what I have to say. It really makes me feel special... *sob* I promised myself I wouldn't cry ... *sob*... lmao. So much for not knowing what it feels like to be popular! Take it easy everybody, and don't forget to sign the guest book, hehehe... I hear they're havin' a party in there! L8r...

To the guest book 'Anonymous' : 1) If I really thought I was a know-it-all, would I ask for advice from people? I think not. 2)Glad you think we have so much in common. I hope I don't 'grow up' to be an asshole too. 3) I don't ask for pity. It would be very unbecoming. 4) "..just another hard headed teenager..." thanks for stereotyping me... we all know teenagers are all the same. No individuals amongst the whole lot of them. 5) I do not use the word "love" loosely. If you had actually read my journal (1-19-01 or 5-30-01), you would know that. In the off chance you were referring to my poetry, the poem 'Your attack' is NOT from first hand experience and neither is 'The Journey.' They are simply poems and nothing more. 6) I have not, and may never experience love, but I know what it is. 7) I am only myself, regardless of how much you want me to be your image of me. Sorry to disappoint you. 8) I don't think I know everything, however, it appears you do. Teach me oh great one, as if I haven't yet read enough. 9) I hope you choke on every bit of my sarcasm; I laid it on nice and thick, just for you. 10) I swear if you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" you need to go the fuck back to high school. It makes you look ignorant, as if your statements themselves weren't enough. Other than that, have a good one!

It seems like nowadays the only thing I write in here is responses to guest book entries. It really bugs the piss out of me that someone takes the time to put in their two cents, and essentially attack the way I do things yet leave no way for me to reply... not even so much as name. So they put me on the spot leaving the only place for me to defend myself here in my journal. So where should I start? "did you ever think that your 'logical explanations' are not so logical after all" Huh? I'm not even going there. If you think there is an error in my logic, just point it out. As for me analyzing things, perhaps Anonymous should quit being a hypocrite and stop analyzing ME. Do I spend too much time analyzing things? Certainly I do... but I'm not sure why. I guess that's what people do when they have no life. I certainly have no life. I have no friends so I don't get out much. ....ohhh... there I go analyzing things again. tisk tisk.. MAYBE, It's just the way I am... and if you don't like that, then you don't like me, so fuck you! As for when I "try to make" myself "sound smart and sophisticated," I have found that if one THINKS before they speak, or types in this case, that he or she can then more exactly say what they are thinking. And frankly, I don't give damn about how it SOUNDS. As long as you know what I'm talking about, it shouldn't matter. Sounding half way intelligent is hardly a crime. If you choose not to utilize the English language, or would simply prefer to sound stupid, then go right ahead, but you have no room to criticize what I do, or the way I do it. Lastly, when you made the statement, "You make yourself sound like something your not," that really hurt. You undoubtedly do NOT know me in real life. Anyone who knows me in real life knows this IS who I am. All you know is what you read here, or read in a fucking chat room, so how could you ever possibly think you know ME?! This IS who I am. I never said anyone had to like me. Hate me all you want. Hate me till the day you die, but never EVER insinuate that I am anything other that what I say I am. I'm not here to put a show on for you or anyone. You think you can just stroll up in here, read all about me, and instantly judge me. It doesn't work like that. DON'T YOU EVER JUDGE ME. And that goes for anyone reading this.

"I don't give a damn if you don't like me cause I don't like you cause you're not like me" -Bloodhound Gang.

Finally, let me apologize to the non-assholes who might be reading this. I don't get angry very often, but when I do, I tend to get carried away. I think, in this case, it was justified.... and that's all I have to say. L8r...

Well, nothing much new happening... lol... that's a lie. I met another girl from the internet Alabama live chat to be precise. She lives in Mobile, her name is Megan. (her online name is XninjaXgirlX ) Anyway, I don't want to get caught up in details other than to say she came back to my place, and we got involved in a game of chat room truth or dare with some of the other peeps from Mobile in AL chat and she was dared to "give me a big passionate kiss" ... and she did. She's a nice girl, albeit not particularly attractive, and I'm not at all interested in her in a romantic sort of way but she's cool. Someone to have as a friend at least. Friends = good. hehehe. I'd also like to respond to something someone had to say in the guest book recently regarding my last journal entry. The reason I said what I said is because although in a perfect world, it IS what is on the inside that counts, and the exterior means nothing... yet no matter how much we would LIKE things to be that way, and no matter how much we are told that things ARE that way, and no matter how much we truly believe things ARE that way, they're NOT. I'm simply not an attractive person. I'm NOT saying this because I woke up one day, looked in the mirror, and thought, "HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT UGLY BASTARD!"... Personally, when I look in the mirror, I think I don't look half bad. (of course I'm usually looking at my face, and not my gut or my ass) The reason I say I'm unattractive is because women don't give me the time of day. That's not because I'm an asshole. I'm really a nice guy. It's not a social status thing... I have (some) money. It's not because I'm a boring person. Even I have to admit, ever so arrogantly, that I consider myself to be a very interesting person. So, decidedly, It has to have to do with a first impression based on looks. So why is it everyone insists I lie to myself? would that make you feel better? It certainly wouldn't change the way things are. I am who I am, and though I don't like concentrating on my downfalls, I think it takes a strong person to, at the very least, not deny that they exist. Am I completely satisfied with every aspect of myself? No... Are you? Is there not some area where you seem to be lacking? Some area you could use improvement? I think we all feel that way about something. As for me having a lot to offer a girl... I certainly believe I do... and I want to be able to offer all of my love, time, trust, compassion, respect, affection, etc. I want nothing more than that in the world... beyond riches, fame, or fortune. I just want to share my love, and be loved in return. And anyone who has that and doesn't appreciate it is a fool... and they don't deserve it. Ok, I'm getting teary-eyed, so I'm gonna go. L8r everybody.

Why the hell didn't someone tell me I had the dates on the last two entries a year off? I was still putting 00 on them and no one said a thing >:( ... anyway... not a whole lot happening. Not sure if that's good or bad... but it's the truth. I went and played disc golf with Gene from work the other day. It was really fun. Me, Gene, and some of the other guys from work are going again Wednesday morning. Disc golf is like the cheap hippie version of that game the rich bastards play. If you've never heard of it, I suggest ya find out where the courses are in your area and try it one day. I also went to Eric's this past Saturday to see what the hell he was doing.. poor married bastard. The funniest thing that happened was I was telling him about Steph (aka Zeta20) and he was like "cool, man..." and then I got online and showed him her pic... and then his exact words were "give it up, man." That's the coolest thing about Eric and me. We're completely honest with each other. I mean, if someone else had said that, I probably would have been pissed.... but he was just being honest. Deep down even I know it's wishful thinking that I could ever be with a girl like that. Smart, sweet, beautiful, respectable... I mean someone like that deserves someone better than me. She's wonderful to talk to, and I know I could treat her right, but I don't know... maybe if I were to join a gym... start working out... loose a little (err a lot) of weight. The problem is this :

Okay, Imagine you're a typical guy but you've packed on a little more weight than most. Most girls won't even talk to you. Then you spill your heart on the internet, and a wonderful person reads it. Now this person thinks you are amazing. So, you want to meet this person, but this person doesn't really know what you look like. SO, how do you tell this person that you're not particularly attractive without making it sound like you're downing yourself... and without turning that person away ... ?????

I don't want to lead her on, and wait till we meet to break it on her. That seems like the wrong way to go. I also tried the direct approach, and I think that sounded like I was just degrading myself. I think I've probably blown my chances regardless. Any advice would still be appreciated, just in case ; ) Anyway, take it east everyone. Peace.

You know, it's always interesting to meet the people who come here and read about my ideas, my life, and even the crap on this site that probably makes no sense whatsoever. How could you honestly not feel close to someone knows more about you than your own family, and then tells you you're amazing. I certainly don't feel amazing, at least, not usually. And even if I'm not amazing, it makes me feel good to hear it. And not only does that person think you're amazing, but they also tell you they share the same values, ideas, and outlook. What are the odds? It seriously sounds too good to be true... and you know what they say about that. *sigh* So, since I know she's probably going to be reading this, I'd just like to say hey to Steph! Aka ZETA20 from Alabama Live chat. So, to the rest of you, I'd just like to introduce her... she really is a sweet heart. I must say, she's one of few women I have ever met who can hold an intelligent conversation. That is a definite plus. And, as if that wasn't enough, she's also a complete and total hottie! ...if she doesn't mind me saying so. I might post a pic of her on here if she lets me. We'll see. Also, I don't think she's the kind of woman who would stab anyone in the back, but I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind. I certainly don't want a repeat performance of Allison, and hopefully I won't get one. Steph lives in Birmingham, which is a long damn drive from here... at least for me, I usually don't drive more than 50 miles to Ocean Springs, MS to go see my buddy, Eric. Then there were the trips to Andalusia... which I have come to regret considering the way Allison broke it off, and not to mention the $185 speeding ticket I got on one of those trips. Well, anyway, I won't go into more detail than that about her since I don't know if she'd like the whole world reading about her... maybe later. Romantic possibility? too soon to tell... but definitely a kindred spirit, and that makes me feel good. So good night, everybody! ..especially you, Steph! *muah*

Well, it's a couple of days and I feel a lot better. I think it's funny how you can go through a rough time and when things get back to normal, you feel a whole lot better about a state of normalcy. Under any other circumstances, normalcy is just ...well, normal. You get used to it, and you take it for granted. So maybe the stab in the back hasn't completely healed, and my eye is still a little red, but things still seem to be improving. How could it get any worse? It can't. And therein lies my optimism. There's not really much else happening, so this might be the shortest journal entry ever, but I thought my feelings of improvement were worth noting. And if you're reading this, I hope you're having a good day as well. One last thing, I just checked my counter, and I've had 52 hits in the past four days... what the hell!? I seriously need to set up a guest book to find out who these people are! Anyway, L8r my friends... whoever you are.

I just hit bottom. It doesn't get any worse than this. A string of events from Saturday to now has left me a mess of my former self. All the self esteem I've built up over the past few months down the drain. First the AC at my house went out. Then my niece destroyed the garage door. By the time we've got that fixed, I get a flat tire. Then yesterday, I wake up with an eye infection. Today my girlfriend tells me she's still in love with her Ex. I can't say I didn't see it coming. "Girls that age change their minds at a moment's notice..." At least I knew what I was talking about. She'll never find another man like me. That's something I can be sure of. I was never out to screw her over, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm just a sucker. Of course, I'm not out to screw girls over. I'm the increasingly rare kind of guy who is constantly GETTING screwed over. As soon as I open myself up to someone, they just rip me to shreds, and I have to pick up the pieces and go on. Then again, if there was no risk, would it really be worth it? I think I can manage. I guess all I can do now is throw myself back out there and see what happens. I'm not really afraid of getting screwed again. I guess that's what I'm here for. Girls get your ticket, step right up, rip my heart out, kick me in the nuts, stab me in the back.... just take your pick. You can't kill me.... I'm gonna get right back up and try again. That's just the kind of guy I am... for better or for worse. So, good night... tomorrow is another day... and hopefully a better one.