Well Well Well... Kim came by yesterday to drop off those cokes mom bought while I was at a YABA (Young American Bowling Alliance) youth leader meeting. It was one of those stupid meetings I have to go to every once in a while and it was hell because I went all-night bowling with Josh McLendon the night before, then I had to bowl yesterday morning after 4 hours of sleep. Anyway, as I started to mention, Kim came by and dropped off the cokes and said she would be by wednesday to go bowling. Yeah, wednesday. She's a whole week late. I told you she must be a dumb blonde. Mom told me that she wasn't going to be able to go this week and said that, if I wanted, Kim and I could go by ourselves. The only problem with that is I'm not that great of a coach (Josh McLendon can vouch for me on that) and I'm sure if a girl like Kim just wanted to go bowling, she could find someone to go with besides me, not to be putting myself down, but I don't even know her. So it ended up I had to convince Mom to go so she could try and coach Kim.... since that was, supposedly, the whole intended purpose of inviting her to go bowling. If she doesn't show up wednesday, I'm just going to write her off all together, which is to say I won't even want to know the bitch. But, hey, if she shows up this time and everything goes right it might be the start of something cool. And yes, in case you were wondering, this is about as optimistic as I get.

Ok, today was a bummer...First I had to wake up early ro go to the school to take Cap n' Gown Portraits. It only took 1 1/2 hrs of standing in line... what a pain in the ass. And the girl I mention in my last entry, well she didn't come over today... (Awwww...). Yeah, I know, it sucks but I have two theories on it. 1) She said she'd like to go just to sell the cokes. I wouldn't put this past one of those snobby, prep, yadda yadda yadda... you get the idea. 2)She forgot... This is more likely simply because I'm probably giving her too much credit on thinking up theory #1. Granted, I don't know her but she's probably your typical dumb blonde... and anyone who knows anything about theodore, would concur this is probably the case. Oh, and I also have a name for the chick now... I took the time to look her up in the yearbook and her name is Kimberly Leverett. I also had Josh McLendon look her up in last year's yearbook and he agreed she is damn fine. She looks better than Susan, but given the choice, well, Kim "can take a long walk on a short pier," as Josh likes to say. So anyway, yet another reason to hate those kind of people... as if I needed another one. I did, however, go bowling anyway... and after a shity first game of 147, I had a 197 and a 199. Not too shabby. Anyway, tomorrow looks like it will be fairly dull. I have absolutly nothing planned. Well, I'm outta here... peace! L8r..

Can you believe this? I'm writing a journal entry and I don't even plan on mentioning Susan... ooops.. :) Anyway, the weirdest thing happened to me tonight. My mom was about to leave for work and words came out of her mouth that damn near knocked me on the floor, "How would you like to go bowling tomorrow around 3:00 with a cute, young, blonde that's in the 11th grade at Theodore?" Well, shit! would I?? Nah! hahaha.. so as the story goes, she came by selling cokes for a fund raiser for the softball team at school, and somehow... probably because Mom was trying to play matchmaker... they got on the subject of bowling and mom mentioned that she had some free game passes. It turns out that this girl wants to learn how to bowl and since Mom's a coach, (one of the best, in fact she taught me everything I know) she offered to take her bowling tomorrow and thought I might want to go. The girl, I don't know her name right of hand, but I've seen her around. She lives like three houses down and is absolutely FINE! She's a total hottie... but of course there's a down side to my seemingly incredible luck. She's totally out of my league. I mean she's part of the 'IN' crowd, you know, the popular people. They're the kind of people you love to hate simply because of what they stand for, when their not ignoring you they're so friggin nice it makes you want to puke. They're all wrapped up in their own little world... totally oblivious of the problems facing the rest of us. I'm more of the freaks n' geeks kinda guy myself. but what the hell, she's great to look at.. so a couple of games of bowling... no sweat.

Hmmm... what do I have to talk about today. Someone finally saw my page yesterday. Atleast he's the first person I know of to have seen it. Josh McLendon saw my page... basically I know him from being a technology assistant in High School my Junior year. I have my homepage up on my profile on AIM and for some reason he read it and found his way here. So, basically, he's the only one who knows how I really feel about Susan. I chatted with him for a while yesterday and he asked me something I guess I didn't make very clear on here. He asked me..and this is a direct quote... 'Don't think I'm being harsh or anything but, do you just want to screw her or do you really like her for who and what she is?' So I'll go ahead and tell anyone else who might be reading this that sex isn't all I'm interested in. If that were all it was, I wouldn't be so fucking obsessed wit her. I really really like her for who she is, and it wouldn't matter if she never wanted to have sex with me... but that would be nice :)... he also gave me a piece of advice that he received from a teacher at school when he was having problems with his girlfriend. He said, 'I think this is dumb but Mrs. Dreaper told me to put my self in the shoes of Jack in the movie titanic when he liked rose but she was engaged to cal. Like i said its stupid advice' ... Well maybe that is stupid advice (especially since I wouldn't want to put myself into the shoes of someone who you know dies at the end of the movie) but it does give everything a different perspective. Anyway... I get tired of talking about Susan (not really, but there are other things in my life)... so I guess I should tell you that I went out to put in Job applications today. I got applications for Delchamps, Winn-Dixie, and K-Mart. I've got to take them back tomorrow, and then just wait for a call. If none of that pans out, I guess I'll have no other choice than to resort to FAST FOOD! AHHHH!!! That's a living hell I don't want to experience.... but I may have no other choice. Wish me luck.

Well, if you're keeping track it's Sunday. Susan's boyfriend is in town this weekend so I'll be staying away from that scene for a couple of days. Okay, on to another subject, this thing on MTV with the girls talking about 'what a girl wants' is really fucking stupid. The only thing I can tell for sure, is that these girls are shallow, stupid little bimbos. As far as I can tell they're not interested in any thing that really matters. It's all looks looks looks. I hope they all find handsome young alcoholics who will come home every night and beat the shit out of 'em. I think I want to write a parody of Christina Aguilera's song. I'll call it 'I'm a weenie in a bottle' break glass in case of severe desperation. The bloodhound gang has once again given me my newest philosophy... 'What do I want in a girl??... ME' That seems to say it all, but ofcourse there are things that are more important. Mind games totally suck. It may be what a girl wants, but as a guy I think I can safely say that we hate that shit. 'I love you, I'm just not in love with you.' For an example, that statement alone drives me nuts. There is no difference. If you aren't 'in live with me' don't say 'i love you.' Otherwise it just leads to big misunderstandings. It's that simple. Anyway, I talked to Eric yesterday, and he said he might be coming to Mobile today, and I know he'll probably want to drag me off somewhere so I better go get in the shower so I won't look like shit when I go out.

Ok, believe it or not, the first time I try to make a point about something it backfires. Susan did call me back, albeit a few hours later. We talked for about two hours last night... and, well, I think I got a few things cleared up. I've decided that we're still going to be friends because I believe she actually cares about me. It's weird, I know... because well, I always thought it was one sided I guess. I swear I would do anything for her... do I sound obsessed? Yeah, I guess so, but what else do I have to think about... nothing. Maybe I need to rename my journal 'memoirs of the nut cake.' Yeah. that's it, I'm a total Whack-Job. Yeah, and in my high school yearbook I'll be voted 'most likely to be a stalker.' Maybe I'm being hard on myself, but maybe I'm not, maybe I really do have some kind of psychological problem. (ok, that's it, keeping a journal is definitely not healthy.)

Well, I had to get up early this morning despite not having to go to school. I had to go drop off my car at the body shop bright and early...around 7:30. I have to have the front bumper and one of the head lights replaced from where I rear-ended some old fart last month on my way to school one day. It wasn't totally my fault, but I won't go into that. Anyway, I've been sitting around the house all day with no place to go and no way to get there. But atleast I realized one of my biggest pet peeves today... well yesterday actually. I hate it when people, especially girls say things they don't mean. For instance, whenever Susan wants a cigarette from me she'll say 'I love you,' and I've learned to just go, 'ok, what do you want?' But really, it just pisses me off cause she doesn't mean it. And again yesterday, I called her to see what she was up to, and she couldn't talk to me because someone was on the other line... so she said she would call me back. Ok, so today I saw her online and asked her when she was planning to call me. Anyway, she made excuses. But the point is people shouldn't say things they don't mean! Don't offer to call me back if you don't want to. Don't say 'I love you' if you really want to say 'can I bum a cigarette?' Oh, and to top it off, Susan is supposed to call me back later, atleast that's what she said when I talked to her online... who knows if I'll actually hear from her.

It's 10:00am and I'm officially out of school for good. I'm 17 and out of school... how weird is that. I needed to pass my English exam and I made a 78! That's plenty more points than I needed to pass. It's funny I always compared school to jail, and what were the last words I heard after I went to the office to withdraw? "You're free to go." I'm the happiest inmate that ever lived. And if you're wondering if I saw Susan today, I did. She was in my English class. She made a 59 on her exam. I hope that she still passed... she had like a 62 but I don't know what she had last quarter...and all that has to be averaged in. I'll have to ask her the next time I talk to her.. i doubt I'll see her again till graduation in May, that is, assuming she passed. But no, I haven't mentioned...well... that I have a crush on her and that I don't want to see her anymore, because I'm not to sure about that reasoning. 'I have a crush on her, so I don't want to see her?' How lame is that. And I also haven't told her about my web site either... cuz the way I look at it, that's a pretty sorry way to tell someone something like that. Oh well, more updates to come

Well, I just got home from school where I saw Susan. It was really a typical other than this one thing she said that was more than relevant and I thought it needed to be put on here. Now, I know how she would react to that last journal entry... She said that she hates it when guys tell her they have a crush on her over and over again because she has a boyfriend and is going to get married. She doesn't care what guys THINK about her, she just doesn't want to HEAR it. Yep, those were her words. The only thing I can do is tell her that I don't want see her anymore, that is, I don't want to hang out or anything. How can you hang around with someone who tells you to ignore your feelings. Honestly, I don't understand it. What I wouldn't give to have someone feel that way about me, and she treats it like a general annoyance... and I don't want to be an annoyance. I can't just keep stuff like that all bottled up inside when we get along so great. Therefore, the only solution I can see is to not be around her anymore, and if I am the one to have to make that decision... well, then so be it.

Well, it's tuesday, the last tuesday of my 'high school career' and I still don't know if I'm going to pass for sure. Well, the worst thing that can happen is having to go to school next semester and saying the hell with mid-year grad. The next biggest news... well, that would have to be Susan. No, she's not my new girlfriend or anything (god I wish), she's just the newest addition to girls with which I am stuck in the 'friend zone.' I've known her since elementary school but we never really got to know each other in all that time. Anyway, as I was saying, we're 'only friends' which is what always happens when I'm really interested in a girl. I can't really blame her, she's engaged to a guy named Gerald and he's a cool guy I guess. It's weird, I always have the feeling that guys like him just don't know how lucky they are. Back to Susan, she's bisexual and actually prefers women over guys, and again, I can't blame her... I prefer women over guys too. She says men are pigs and has the typical womenistic view of us... I'd kinda like to prove her wrong but frankly, but with the thoughts I have about her, I can't say for sure that she's not right. We went out last Saturday night to a movie, and then we got something to eat, and after that we drove around till her curfew (about an hour) talking about all the years of school we've had together. I had a great time and I learned a few embarrassing things about her that she said no one else knows... you never know when info like that may come in handy. The weird thing is that with any other girl, I would have called it a date... but not with Susan. Does that make sense? Actually, I've had a lot less fun on dates. So you're thinking....where's her boyfriend, Gerald? He's off at college. I don't know him very well, but she told him we would be hanging out... so I can only guess that he doesn't feel threatened by me. Look at that pic on my bio page and you'll see why. The biggest problem I have is well, I have the biggest crush on her. Usually, when I have a crush on girls at school, as soon as I stop seeing them, the problem cures itself. (i.e. I'm getting out of school soon so I won't think about her anymore). I mentioned to her that I wouldn't see her after I graduated and she said what we would still hang out and stuff. Now let's put a twist in it. The really weird thing is I am trying to distance myself from her. I tell her sometimes, "I hate you." And she's always baffled by this because she's done nothing to make me hate her. The problem is with me though, I have a crush on her, but she's just too darn friendly. It's like always seeing what you want just a foot in front of you, and there's nothing you can do to obtain it. But anyway, there's nothing I can do about that, it's just the way things are. Stay tuned for my next journal entry.. Also, Susan if you're reading this all I can say is every bit of it is true.. I can't predict how you will react... so that's all I really have to say here.